The following blog post may be triggering for some readers. The survivor story comes an Ensemble member of MMRP. Though she wanted to share her story, she asked to keep her identity anonymous.  

Throughout our rehearsal process, this line in the Blueberry Hill monologue by Christine House has always stuck in my mind. Though I always take it out of context, I  go back to January 27, 2015, to the words coming out of my own mouth as I ran out of a dorm to my friend’s car – “it wasn’t consensual but it wasn’t rape." Over and over again, I spoke those words during the ride back to my apartment, while talking to my roommate, while crying to my ex over the phone, while telling my friend, while talking to the doctor, while talking to the investigative team at the hospital.

It was supposed to be studying at a classmate’s apartment. It turned into a hook up and then into a non-consensual sexual encounter. At first, I just told him it hurt. He stopped after a couple minutes and persuaded me to try again. I told him it hurt again and tried to push him off, crying as he asked me if it felt good and I said "no." When I finally got him off of me, I grabbed my clothes and kept putting them on as he asked for me to continue and for us to finish together. I told him he had two hands and he could use them. As I ran out the door, I called friends to try to get a ride back home since I was on the university's other campus and felt too disorientated to figure out how to get back to my apartment.

That night changed me.

While I was able to seek justice through the university, it was not easy. My grades plummeted from straight A's to B's, C's and even a D. The doctors at the hospital found multiple tears in my vagina and advised that even with a condom used, that I should go on HIV antivirals since his status was not known and Richmond was having a problem with HIV at the time. The medications caused terrible nausea, and caused me to throw up. I had to repeat my story over and over again as the classmate kept appealing the case and other victims came forward with similar situations.

I kept questioning if it was really rape since it had started consensually. After all – “you can’t rape the willing”. I had to come to terms with what had happened to me. It was not as traumatic as other rapes I heard about. But it was detrimental to my progress and even as I fought back through the university, it took a year. Near this time in 2016, I had the final word from the university that he was expelled. After countless interviews with university officials, it was done.

I participated in MMRP so I can keep healing and moving past what happened to me. By hearing others stories and being able to use dance to express them, I’m realizing that I’m not a victim. I’m continuously surviving. And others are learning how to survive as well – I’m not alone in this journey. We can bring awareness and hope even as we’re fighting an overwhelming darkness. 

​Moments like this
Stillness... 

The crackling sound 
of my heater

A forced exhale 
from a hard days work

Moments where
A tightness 
occurs in your body
previous stories
wrapped in words
Edgy perceptions 

Does anyone 
ever
Really know who we are

What we have been through? 

What's your process 
How do you get through? 
When life alters your reality 
How do you learn to trust
to forgive... 

I watch people carry baggage 
Adding something new
every corner they turn
That suitcase 
Beat up on the edges
Still can carry things
To and from just about any location 
That suitcase contains 
The past
The present 
And
the future 

It's not visible 
Some of us
Hide it
Better than others
Some of us
Look like
We are not wrapped in
Despair
Or 
Carry the karmic imprint 
of 
life 
long
lessons 

Some of us
are just here
looking for community 
looking to fit in
to be accepted 

And 
Art
And
Pain
Often 
Pair 
together 


I realize 
We are not alone
in any of our thoughts 
Someone 
Somewhere 
Is thinking 
this very same
thing

Artistry 
Changes
Life
Enables
Light
to 
Peer through 
Even the darkest tunnel

Stories 
Break us down
Remove our ego
Force us
to feel
and feeling 
Is not something 
our society 
has a great deal
of experience with... 

Reacting vs responding 
Defending vs understanding 
This is what we know
What we were trained to do

What would it look like
to flip the script
To respond vs react
To understand vs defend

"It is like that moment when the rollar coaster starts and you know there is no turning back. Whatever is to happen is out of your control, you have no choice, but to proceed!" 
~Christine House, Blueberry Hill~

Excerpt from
A Memory
A Monologue
A Rant
A Prayer 

Edited by Eve Ensler (author of Vagina Monologues) and Mollie Doyle